Sunday, February 28, 2010

They're Not Conspiracy Theories IF I HAVE PROOF!

Sigh... it's just more of Hollywood's racist casting whitewashing. The original Lassie had to take the secret of his Jewish roots to his grave- true story!

Psh. Another pretentious film studen- I mean, oh! This is so insightful, I thought I'd put it here so you guys see what a GOOD review looks like! Puts me in mind of Federico Fellini's #3 Hyundai Sonata mise en scene, in fact... I'm a genius!!

It's the most touching film about the lessons bulls must learn since "Raging Bull", about a prized bull that needed to work on his anger issues/right hook. It flared whenever he saw red- he would see red. Still, this one is great & a little less pretentious.

(Insomniac Zac assures me no bulls were bbq'd in the making of this Photoshop!)

Scarlett Johansson was 16-17 when she made this movie- and really? You rent a movie called "Eight Legged Freaks", that's rated PG-13, expecting topless scenes of two actresses- one underaged? This takes a new, towering level of perverted optimism in film reviewing that Hightly could only dream of...

So we see the problem come full circle. Someone FINALLY trying to better their reviewing skills, and Netflix continually keeps them down by sending them damaged discs. I'm starting to think this is what you want, Netflix.

Is this some kind of multi-leveled conspiracy? Are you in with the big Hollywood studios, breeding new reviewers that are so incomprehensible that the movie watchers will no longer be able to understand them, thus will never be warned of awful movies?!

If this blog disappears soon, you'll know why. I'll leave you guys instructions, hidden in code, in a review of Sanford & Son: Season 3 in the event of my assassination.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

True movie love, taboos more Larry the Cable Guy

So... "The Biggest Taboo" turns out to be playing an old record in a cabin that chants evil to possess & zombie-fy all it comes in touch with the girl that gets attacked by the tree branches... ouch?

Huh. Well, I still think Sade could probably make a song out of that. If nothing else I really want to hear her try.

"The biggest tabooo... is becoming host to a Kandarian demon... the biggest taboo...for God's sake, what happened to her eyyyyes, baaaaby...."

I can't think of anything to say to this, it makes that little sense. All I can do is point and say "Look, look! This is what comes out when a movie gets filtered through this persons brain and out their fingers!!" That, and oh hey- it's that girl from Up in the Air and the Twilght movies.

Oh, was that boring? Excuse me! Sometime my views are not the helper. I have just tried. :(

I'm glad there was nothing offensive in this for her (save for the filmmaker's regard for the viewers intelligence) but just because she's 88 and needs you to set up the DVD player for her doesn't mean you should force the poor woman to watch Larry the Cable Guy movies.
C'mon, she carried you for 9 months! You can at least carry in the complete series of The Golden Girls.

Sun rise, sun set. Son rise, Golden TV set...

I have no idea what this lady is on about. Except I know how Zsa Zsa feels about marriage:

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do."
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

Sometimes you need to find a middle ground with understanding/relating to reviewers. I tend to find comfort in fabulous ruffles and jewels, darling.

Alright, after that last review- to prove I'm not made of stone (or diamonds, as the case may be. No competition from over here, Rob Pattinson!) The below review is not bad at all. It even has a heartwarming ending. No fooling!
Aw, I love reviews with a happy ending. :) Let's look at some later reviews from the same fella and see how the relationship is going...

(click image for larger size)

She... bought you "Thumb Wars: The Last Cuticle" and "Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself". For your birthday.

Love is dead.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Teen Sex Comedies of the DAMNED!

Young girls... the whole fixation with vampire movies- sorry, "vampier moveis"- is only helping to shove dudes towards these straight-to-video T&A fests! You need to come together, watch "Lost Boys" with each other and work the whole thing out.

Oh cool, really? 'Cause you make it sound so intereszzzzzzing.

Wha? Oh, sorry! As I was saying, you really bring the plot and characters to lifzzzzzzz

I refuse to see this or believe it, I seem to be trapped in some fugue dream state.

So... I guess the ending was spoiled? Yet somehow I still have no idea what happened? Or if you even reviewed a movie, or if this is merely a peek into an entry from some weird dream journal you keep? So... thanks?

I'm cool on imagining that, actually. I appreciate you sharing your imagination, though.

Not to mention encouraging me to commit suicide. Like Thanksgiving all over again....

So, does she mean "cutie" or Quentin Tarantino? YOU make the call!!

(It's kind of an easy call, actually- if it was Tarantino the milk maids would be called the Milk Maid Mafia and katanas would be involved, somehow- and FEET!)

I didn't get the "DR. NO SUCKS" reference, until I looked at the cast list and saw that the gorgeous Ursela Andress was in "Slave of the Cannibal God" as well. So in Hightly's mind, this-

is complete poo compared to this-

Ok I gotta admit, Ursela Undead finally doing in the Highlander would be pretty sweet. Hightly, you've done it again!!

(Big thanks yet again to Insomniac Zac for his sweet Bond girl zombie making skillz!)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Blind Leading the Blind

I TOTALLY agree! It's so nice seeing millionaire actors playing ORDINARY PEOPLE pretending and making jokes about TOILING TO MAKE LIFE WORK within RV-centric hijinks. Just like most of us do!

I always said The Rock should play Medusa, but who listens to me? Apparently this person would! Wouldn't be able to understand anything they'd say, but at least I'm not alone anymore..

Also, reviewing an unreleased film based on its trailer on Youtube? Cripes these reviewers are cutting-edge.

What if I don't like horrific romantic comedies that are neither romantic nor comedic? Talk about making me covet a little violence... (or a lot, as the case may be)

WOW, dude, lay off! :( Julianne Moore... please don't be so sensitive! You were in Boogie Nights AND The Big Lebowski. Don't let anyone push you around, red.

Yeah, Netflix should really fact-check better...

Rare, unsigned Hightly Reccomen reviews. These bad, big-boobed gals sadly did not earn his signature. Enjoy!

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Moviegoer vs. The Evil Film Critics vs. Hightly Reccomen

For those of you wondering why I made that podcast, well... here's why.

The Netflix community- which, of course, is like the UN of the world's moviegoers- was crying out for Hightly Reccomen. For a change from those evil, rich, mean-spirited reviewers that ONLY care about ruining our good time! Don't believe me? Then cup your ear to the cries of revolution on the streets, and read on...

Some of you cynics might be thinking to yourself, "Dude, it's not the critics fault... you just have awful, vomit-inducing, migraine-creating, unrefined, too-horrific-to-even-laugh-at taste in movies."

Sooo cynical.

Hell yeah! The success of a movie based on toys that cost... well, a lot... deserve to be #1! Because Hollywood cares about us, the movie lovers! They aren't cranking out soulless pap with big explosions and giant robot testicles for the Evil Film Critics- it's for us! The people they laugh at while they take our money for watching what is essentially a near 3-hour commercial! Take THAT!

Even if they did see the show- it's like they expected the movie to stand on its own merits and be entertaining, or something!! I hate those fancy Hollywood critics so much....

To be fair, I think with a director with the name "Shankman" should be making sweet, violent, sexy exploitation films...

Now that's a bedtime story!

Hear that, poor, beleaguered movie watcher? It's the winds of change, blowing away from those evil movie critics asses that pick on Larry
the Cable Guy just 'cuz he's awesome and AMERICAN, and towards a new generation of reviewer. Enjoy.

Bask in its glow... that's what it's there for...

Thank you, Hightly.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Tale of Hightly Reccomen: Renegade Film Reviewer

The first audio entry of the blog! Here is (part 1?) of my look into the work of Hightly Reccomen. Please feel free to click his name under this post and peruse his reviews while I discuss his influence and share some of his reviews- some posted here, and some new ones!

Comment | Copy This

You can also download the mp3 here- hightlyreccomen.mp3

Ride the Funky Freedom Train of Love, Baby!

He's... free...

(Play the video for the full majesty!


Ooo... Google needs to do a Caligula-themed search commercial asap.
Nude Roman commune... the Romans were the first dirty, free-lovin' hippies in history, you know. Very educational film, this.
I don't know... it seems like a fairly lateral move to me.
I think you mean a 3 inch part!
Does it? Really? Because I would think it'd be more like "Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who's the DEADEST one of all?"
"The most MURDERED of them all?"
"The most STABBED of them all?"
Just funkaaay!
Don't question it, baby

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Cruz OUT of Control! Ha!

(Click image for regular size, though you really won't need to.)

Wait- what's required whenever Cruz is on screen?
Your lack of clarity makes these reviews unreadable.

That guy from that piano movie: "Jesus Christo woman, what are you saying??"
CRUZ TRANSLATION: "I will now consume your soul through your neck flesh with my alien suction fingers, Adrien Brody."*

*(I'd like to thank the Church of Scientology Celebrity Center for providing the translation. You guys are the best!!)