Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A Temporary New Columnist... or Comminist??

Sorry for lack of updates, I've been downed with a migraine that just won't quit. So I'm gonna turn over the reins to Stefano Patriciano, famed (with waiter/actors, at least) entertainment magazine gossip columnist from New Jersey. I'll warn you know: his takes are longer than mine, but in his beloved breezy, dishy tone the words will just fly by your eyeballs. Take it away, Stefano!

God, don't you hate coming into movies late? Did you know in Vegas the Cirque du Soleil will HECKLE you if you come in late? I was so mortified I started screaming at the little ringleader man that sounded like 15 European accents mashed together, and had to be restrained and dragged out by Blue Men!

One ruined-suit-with-blue-paint-that-won't-come-out and one non-refunded ticket later I learned a hard lesson: don't walk around for two hours before a show drinking countless amounts of those giant margarita glasses. CLEARLY you had the same issue when watching Shaun of the Dead (I ran into Simon Pegg at a Wild Oats once, he's a big fan of ricotta cheese! Can't get into it myself.) Starting to watch a movie with "of the Dead" in the title and being startled that zombies are in it? That's like me walking into a Reese Witherspooon movie and being startled that I fell in love with love all over again!

Also, where the heck is the pun in "having a huge pole shoot straight through her"? That's NOT a pun. You're just trying to make that sexual, which offends and confuses me. Kind of like an Eli Roth movie, but with better dialouge.

I have never heard of this film before now, and I got really excited when I read the title. I thought they had already released a straight-to-DVD sequel to "2021", adding the "Supernova" kinda like when they did that reality show "Rock Star: INXS" and then "Rock Star: Supernova", with that surly Metallica bass player, sexy rotting corpse Tommy Lee and Dobey Gillis... oh, Gilby Clarke?.. who always makes me think of Val Kilmer if he was a pirate that shopped at Hot Topic, so I'm big fan of his!

It's like looking into a mirror... on Halloween, and you're dressed like Jack Sparrow.

Glad they shot a commie? Hon, the cold war is over, let it go! Hating commies is as outdated as a very recent Newport cigarette magazine ad. We've come a long way, baby! (OK, that's Virginia Slims but it's so inspirational you can apply it anywhere.)

"OMG, that club looks sooo cool!" Not pictured: the 90's, surprisingly.

Oh my God, what is wrong with you? I hope Diana Ross hears about this and takes a "wiz" on you on! (Now THAT is a pun, Shaun of the Dead reviewer! Learn from... The Wizard! Ho ho I'm on a roll! I love Fred Savage.)

THANK YOU! Critics, take a cue- it's completely fine to be adequate, bland and forgettable! If the cast is non-offensive, then that's very pleasant! I don't really get the reference to midgets- er, little people, but I'm with you for the rest of it. Imagine if all the movies you paid good money for were carefully written, acted, directed and made with a passion- you'd be exhausted! Sometimes you just need cinema cottage cheese, and by sometimes I mean 85% of the time.

Let's see this infamous Hightly Reccomen now...

Signature twice in the beginning? Alright... whit some real hot girl... prevs... what? This is a joke, right? Are all his reviews like this??

First sentence- one misspelled word but not bad! Second sentence- yes, ok, we know who you are.. Third sentence... sweet bippy, this actually feels as violent as the things it describes! The rest is... barely suppressed rage at his parents? He's so enthusiastic about the murders... alright, that's it for me!

I'm off to my good friend Cher's house. We're going to study her Oscar and figure out how to slowly turn her more and more into its image.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I Hate Haunted Reservoir Genies

The Dead Kids Fighting Rhyme would have made a MUCH cooler version of Kazaam. MUCH cooler. Can you imagine crying at the end of Kazaam? I mean with pure emotion, instead of relieved insanity or at the loss of your childhood innocence? The real one did creep me out and make me paranoid for a while, though.

Jay Sherman's gone a little pervo and monosyllabic or something, which is unfortunate since we already have our knighted reviewer of lusty incoherence!



Going solely from this review, I would guess they were talking about "He Blinded Me With Science: The Violent, Erotic Story of Bill Nye the Science Guy", a True Lifetime story.

Actually, nevermind. There's no WAY that would be boring!

Ok, know what? That doesn't mean you get to write a review before you see it. Nobody cares! You know how many movies are filmed/set in Brooklyn? It's not a rarity! I live in Las Vegas, if I went and saw every movie filmed here I'd HAVE TO CLAW MY EYES OUT. Stop making completely inane reasons to see movies that are dreck, you're just giving them money!

Ohh, THAT character- Forgettado DiAdequate? Yeah, he was great in that one thing! Always overshadowed by other actors, though, for whatever reason.

To make it up to this reviewer for having to suffer through dialouge and character development (yikes! Poor guy...) I shall keep this review action-packed!

*Pitchoo pitchoo!*

"No!! My partner!! He was 12 hours from retirement at his little girls wedding!!"

*Coughing* Avenge me, Antonio..."

(Antonio throws knife at passing Ninja) "Damn right I will, McCloud..."

(Antonio bites off then throws a grenade!! An ACTIVE one!!)

(Slow motion, running while carrying McCloud's blood, bullet-riddled corpse) "Whoooooa......!"

(Biggest, most amazing explosion ever, ninja body parts flying everywhere!! Antonio whips McCloud's limp, dead body around over his head like a helicopter and flies!)

(Antonio lands on a bikini island of hot ladies. He tosses the corpse of McCloud into the ocean. He lights his cigarette as he regards 50 hot, naked chicks.) "Hey baby. You look like a grief counselor to me..."

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Clown Jugglers? This oughta be fun...

Insane Clown Posse review time! Normally it'd be like shooting giant sharks in one of those little plastic barrels they keep those little plastic monkey toys in, but for some reason juggalos and juggalettes aren't big on DVD reviews...

Magic ninjas... wait, what??

Well, you're a fantastic parent just the same for renting it for them anyway. :) High five, for contributing to society!

Sadly, this was the last transmission from "Kamakaze" #23. The 22 kamikazes left similar cryptic goodbye messages, ranging from hints about ninjas with magical powers and mentally disturbed harlequin gangs.

No, not a bad review but... 5 stars? Have the Insane Clown Posse *really* enriched your life to the point that you can give Death Racers an instant pass even though it sucks?


Then the fool is me, I guess. I'm just hatin' cuz I don't have homies. :(

Sci Fi Channel juggalos 4 lyfe! Up yours, limey!!

"What was that again? Send in the clowns my bleedin' arse..."

But what do scary men in clown makeup have to do with death racing, anyway? What does enjoying that insanity have anything to do with me wanting to see cars that murder people/each other?? I don't understand anything anymore!!

"This is a film intended to be for an audience of juggalos." Really? Let's check the synopsis...

"Four hyped-up teams of contestants compete to win a violent race in this action-packed sci-fi flick. Living in a grim future world in which life is cheap, the racers will do anything to win. Even killing competitors off while pushing their vehicles to go the distance is not against the rules -- and is probably the only way to prevail. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of Insane Clown Posse star, along with former WWE star Raven."

I'm not sure this is true. What about the massive fans of WWE star Raven?? You want to deny them this thrill ride? I'm so sick of this juggalo elitism- them and their jaunty hunts for chickens and whatnot. Good day to you, sirs!

(Thanks Insomniac Zac for your decapitation work!)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I have an agenda. Of PAIN.

YOU LIE! Sigh. I got all excited, too. Now all we can do is imagine it... or watch Youtube videos of mash-ups of Child's Play & Leprechaun!

This totally looks like a fantastic movie that would set box office records!!

Amen, sister! Action heroes just don't know who to punch anymore...

Not him, he's Republican!! I know he's an Austrian actor, but he's not a Democrat!! Dammit, Sly, you used to know how to be a MAN!

Hell yeah! Just as long as the person you punch is for Obama's healthcare plan- then it's not a bad thing at all, it's JUSTICE.

Alright- full disclosure. Obama personally cancelled it because Biden hates Skeet Ulrich.

"Put on a SHIRT young man, and stop writing things on yourself like some methed-out child! What the hell kind of name is Skeet anyway, do you think that's professional? I can't believe anyone thought you'd be the next Johnny Depp... "The Craft". Please. More like "The Crap"! And "Scream"! Sir, what in God's name do you have against the lovely Neve Campbell?"

Not really in the mood to snark this reviewer. You knew what the f**k the movie was about when you chose to rent it. Don't expect art to
conform to your narrow, bigoted little "agenda". Don't like the movie-
fine. But don't act like a twisted little monster that deserves to be
somewhere at the exclusion of others. /end rant.

Sorry, I need a review palette cleanser after that...

*sigh* Thank you.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

They're Not Conspiracy Theories IF I HAVE PROOF!

Sigh... it's just more of Hollywood's racist casting whitewashing. The original Lassie had to take the secret of his Jewish roots to his grave- true story!

Psh. Another pretentious film studen- I mean, oh! This is so insightful, I thought I'd put it here so you guys see what a GOOD review looks like! Puts me in mind of Federico Fellini's #3 Hyundai Sonata mise en scene, in fact... I'm a genius!!

It's the most touching film about the lessons bulls must learn since "Raging Bull", about a prized bull that needed to work on his anger issues/right hook. It flared whenever he saw red- he would see red. Still, this one is great & a little less pretentious.

(Insomniac Zac assures me no bulls were bbq'd in the making of this Photoshop!)

Scarlett Johansson was 16-17 when she made this movie- and really? You rent a movie called "Eight Legged Freaks", that's rated PG-13, expecting topless scenes of two actresses- one underaged? This takes a new, towering level of perverted optimism in film reviewing that Hightly could only dream of...

So we see the problem come full circle. Someone FINALLY trying to better their reviewing skills, and Netflix continually keeps them down by sending them damaged discs. I'm starting to think this is what you want, Netflix.

Is this some kind of multi-leveled conspiracy? Are you in with the big Hollywood studios, breeding new reviewers that are so incomprehensible that the movie watchers will no longer be able to understand them, thus will never be warned of awful movies?!

If this blog disappears soon, you'll know why. I'll leave you guys instructions, hidden in code, in a review of Sanford & Son: Season 3 in the event of my assassination.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

True movie love, taboos more Larry the Cable Guy

So... "The Biggest Taboo" turns out to be playing an old record in a cabin that chants evil to possess & zombie-fy all it comes in touch with the girl that gets attacked by the tree branches... ouch?

Huh. Well, I still think Sade could probably make a song out of that. If nothing else I really want to hear her try.

"The biggest tabooo... is becoming host to a Kandarian demon... the biggest taboo...for God's sake, what happened to her eyyyyes, baaaaby...."

I can't think of anything to say to this, it makes that little sense. All I can do is point and say "Look, look! This is what comes out when a movie gets filtered through this persons brain and out their fingers!!" That, and oh hey- it's that girl from Up in the Air and the Twilght movies.

Oh, was that boring? Excuse me! Sometime my views are not the helper. I have just tried. :(

I'm glad there was nothing offensive in this for her (save for the filmmaker's regard for the viewers intelligence) but just because she's 88 and needs you to set up the DVD player for her doesn't mean you should force the poor woman to watch Larry the Cable Guy movies.
C'mon, she carried you for 9 months! You can at least carry in the complete series of The Golden Girls.

Sun rise, sun set. Son rise, Golden TV set...

I have no idea what this lady is on about. Except I know how Zsa Zsa feels about marriage:

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do."
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

Sometimes you need to find a middle ground with understanding/relating to reviewers. I tend to find comfort in fabulous ruffles and jewels, darling.

Alright, after that last review- to prove I'm not made of stone (or diamonds, as the case may be. No competition from over here, Rob Pattinson!) The below review is not bad at all. It even has a heartwarming ending. No fooling!
Aw, I love reviews with a happy ending. :) Let's look at some later reviews from the same fella and see how the relationship is going...

(click image for larger size)

She... bought you "Thumb Wars: The Last Cuticle" and "Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself". For your birthday.

Love is dead.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Teen Sex Comedies of the DAMNED!

Young girls... the whole fixation with vampire movies- sorry, "vampier moveis"- is only helping to shove dudes towards these straight-to-video T&A fests! You need to come together, watch "Lost Boys" with each other and work the whole thing out.

Oh cool, really? 'Cause you make it sound so intereszzzzzzing.

Wha? Oh, sorry! As I was saying, you really bring the plot and characters to lifzzzzzzz

I refuse to see this or believe it, I seem to be trapped in some fugue dream state.

So... I guess the ending was spoiled? Yet somehow I still have no idea what happened? Or if you even reviewed a movie, or if this is merely a peek into an entry from some weird dream journal you keep? So... thanks?

I'm cool on imagining that, actually. I appreciate you sharing your imagination, though.

Not to mention encouraging me to commit suicide. Like Thanksgiving all over again....

So, does she mean "cutie" or Quentin Tarantino? YOU make the call!!

(It's kind of an easy call, actually- if it was Tarantino the milk maids would be called the Milk Maid Mafia and katanas would be involved, somehow- and FEET!)

I didn't get the "DR. NO SUCKS" reference, until I looked at the cast list and saw that the gorgeous Ursela Andress was in "Slave of the Cannibal God" as well. So in Hightly's mind, this-

is complete poo compared to this-

Ok I gotta admit, Ursela Undead finally doing in the Highlander would be pretty sweet. Hightly, you've done it again!!

(Big thanks yet again to Insomniac Zac for his sweet Bond girl zombie making skillz!)