Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Jean Claude Gosh Darn vs. Seven Seagulls

Technically this is for "Double Impact", b u t i t w o r k s f o r a l l V a n D a m m e m o v i e s.

For "Death Warrant". You might say this is a simple case of amusing misspelling, but I say JCVD as GOD with a NUKED GUN would be the greatest film of all-time, and this reviewer is one of our greatest thinkers.

That was pretty awesome.

Wait- is that some kind of twin or Morse code? Hold on, let me Bablefish this sucker.

Got it!

"Look, I understand this isn't a sequel to Bloodsport and it's unfair if me to expect it to be- it's just... that was a seminal film in my life. Bloodsport taught me how to be a man; how to exact revenge... and how to do a sweet roundhouse kick. Also, my girlfriend won't stop talking about wanting to "be the meat between the 'Jean Claude' and the 'Van Damme' in this movie cover, and that kinda pisses me off. purple monkey dishwasher."

Aw... that's kinda sweet!

1991 films about organized crime starring Steven Seagal is a more crowded genre than people at first realize.

"Barb. Barb! You can use the computer and print out your knitting instructions when I'm done! I gotta review this while it's still fresh in my mind- Seagal deserves no less! Aw man, now look what you made me type! Let me just delete- hey! Hey!!! You're hurting me, Barb! fgggmmmmmmmmm"

Let this be the script for the commercial for the Steven Seagal action figure. Please.

Seagal is justice, and he doesn't take too kindly to people that use the review space as a customer service feedback form. Unless it's Richard Marx- they're tight like brothers that share hair product.


  1. I wish I had action of the heart. I don't know what that means, but I suspect it would be pretty awesome.

  2. Richard Marx.


    If you'd chosen Hold On To The Night I'd have had to change my underwear.

  3. Philemon- I soooo wanted to but the only videos that had it were stock images of sunsets.

  4. Bloodsport review was like the Chris Farley Show. Remember that? That was awesome. 12 out of 13 people needed that help.

    barb may be my new favorite film critic. no nonsense

    Proof of action of the heart is usually in the mechanism. Well spotted.

    I'm now convinced at least 1/3 of the Netflix review readers actually don't. Unless those clicking the little thumbs up thought that Richard Banks represented the type who bought Seagal movies and figured his review-as-order-cancellation helped them decide to stay away.