Saturday, March 6, 2010

I Hate Haunted Reservoir Genies

The Dead Kids Fighting Rhyme would have made a MUCH cooler version of Kazaam. MUCH cooler. Can you imagine crying at the end of Kazaam? I mean with pure emotion, instead of relieved insanity or at the loss of your childhood innocence? The real one did creep me out and make me paranoid for a while, though.

Jay Sherman's gone a little pervo and monosyllabic or something, which is unfortunate since we already have our knighted reviewer of lusty incoherence!



Going solely from this review, I would guess they were talking about "He Blinded Me With Science: The Violent, Erotic Story of Bill Nye the Science Guy", a True Lifetime story.

Actually, nevermind. There's no WAY that would be boring!

Ok, know what? That doesn't mean you get to write a review before you see it. Nobody cares! You know how many movies are filmed/set in Brooklyn? It's not a rarity! I live in Las Vegas, if I went and saw every movie filmed here I'd HAVE TO CLAW MY EYES OUT. Stop making completely inane reasons to see movies that are dreck, you're just giving them money!

Ohh, THAT character- Forgettado DiAdequate? Yeah, he was great in that one thing! Always overshadowed by other actors, though, for whatever reason.

To make it up to this reviewer for having to suffer through dialouge and character development (yikes! Poor guy...) I shall keep this review action-packed!

*Pitchoo pitchoo!*

"No!! My partner!! He was 12 hours from retirement at his little girls wedding!!"

*Coughing* Avenge me, Antonio..."

(Antonio throws knife at passing Ninja) "Damn right I will, McCloud..."

(Antonio bites off then throws a grenade!! An ACTIVE one!!)

(Slow motion, running while carrying McCloud's blood, bullet-riddled corpse) "Whoooooa......!"

(Biggest, most amazing explosion ever, ninja body parts flying everywhere!! Antonio whips McCloud's limp, dead body around over his head like a helicopter and flies!)

(Antonio lands on a bikini island of hot ladies. He tosses the corpse of McCloud into the ocean. He lights his cigarette as he regards 50 hot, naked chicks.) "Hey baby. You look like a grief counselor to me..."


  1. If you don't have one yet, we need to get you an Agent, ASAP!!
    Can I make a movie poster?
    I can see it now.
    Don Swazye and Frank Stallone in...

    Ninja-KaBlooie Part 1: The Explosive Tale of Antonio and McCloud.

  2. You shouldn't post quality movie scripts like this in public. I hear Michael Bay stole it and already has it greenlit for production. They're in talks with Megan Fox to play hot, naked chick/grief counselor #42.

    Also: I would totally watch "He Blinded Me With Science: The Violent, Erotic Story of Bill Nye the Science Guy" over and over.

    Also also: I've been trying for years to convince the film critic industry to move to a rating scale of "1 to Kari-Whurer-naked." They keep giving me some blah blah blah about "poor taste" and "limited applicability." Whatever!

  3. I SO miss the Critic, thanks for the Jay Sherman reference! More evidence there that renting the PG-13 Eight-legged Freaks to see Kari's tatas was not just silly but unnecessary.

    Would that the Bill Nye biopic was real!!! Golden.

    Y'know, it's refreshing to see someone else agrees that Tarantino ruins everything with all that chit chat. Totally destroyed the could've-been-great Pulp Fiction with all that useless talk too... "foot massage... holiest of holies???" Just blow the dudes away already! And why would I care to hear where Bruce Willis's watch has been when I could be watching him hack up Zed Samurai style? Borrrrrrring!a

  4. pitchpoo? ha

    i like the scary kazaam kids idea
    and all those hot science scenes