I have an agenda. Of PAIN.

YOU LIE! Sigh. I got all excited, too. Now all we can do is imagine it... or watch Youtube videos of mash-ups of Child's Play & Leprechaun!

This totally looks like a fantastic movie that would set box office records!!

Amen, sister! Action heroes just don't know who to punch anymore...

Not him, he's Republican!! I know he's an Austrian actor, but he's not a Democrat!! Dammit, Sly, you used to know how to be a MAN!

Hell yeah! Just as long as the person you punch is for Obama's healthcare plan- then it's not a bad thing at all, it's JUSTICE.

Alright- full disclosure. Obama personally cancelled it because Biden hates Skeet Ulrich.

"Put on a SHIRT young man, and stop writing things on yourself like some methed-out child! What the hell kind of name is Skeet anyway, do you think that's professional? I can't believe anyone thought you'd be the next Johnny Depp... "The Craft". Please. More like "The Crap"! And "Scream"! Sir, what in God's name do you have against the lovely Neve Campbell?"

Not really in the mood to snark this reviewer. You knew what the f**k the movie was about when you chose to rent it. Don't expect art to

conform to your narrow, bigoted little "agenda". Don't like the movie-

fine. But don't act like a twisted little monster that deserves to be

somewhere at the exclusion of others. /end rant.

Sorry, I need a review palette cleanser after that...

*sigh* Thank you.

Plenty of Shame For Both Genders

I personally think Freddie Prinze, Jr. is a little hotter as a blonde as Fred in the Scooby-Doo movies, but I can't fault a guy that takes the time to type out the actual noises he makes as he imagines Prinze acting woodenly in a way only Sarah Michelle Gellar could truly know.

Don't hate on her, PETA! The media has showed us that pre-menopausal women are crazed sex-seeking cougars, the girl can't help it. Also- it's Eddie Murphy. He made Meet Dave. Meet Dave.

Doctors can afford REAL rocks, ifyouknowhatImeanandIthinkyoudo. I would assume he meant "oscillations" but I'm just going to assume he's insane, instead.

Several short cummings? I can only assume he means there's a musical interlude where little people Alan Cumming lookalikes jump on the trampolines for a bit. I think I would enjoy watching that.

A half rack is good for BBQ ribs. A half rack in this particular instance just sounds terrifying.

1. People that call their spouse "hubby" or "wifey" are terrible people, it's just a fact.

2. In case you're not in the know, this is what Nickelback looks like:

"At least my porn don't attempt to sing at me, wifey."

Well, you can't fault it for false advertising.

I personally think Shaka Zulu is his best, but to each their own.

Hottest in the woooooorld.

I'm just kidding, he so is. Lookit that brow!!

Friday MOVIE NIGHT!!

Guess the shark movie! Or, alien movie? Alien shark movie, that oughta narrow it down. Also, if you can figure out whether it's a B or F movie, do that too.

OK! Good, but not GREAT but SWORDS!

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Netflix reviewers.

Reading this review might cause side effects such as: headaches confusion nausea tummy aches itchy toes speaking to a fake audience gynecologist tattoos? Installation of insanity remembering that commercial where Sinbad was a talking condom.

No kidding!

SUP DOG, WE HEARD YOU LIKE HUNTING...

Damn. Wait, she went to a HOOKER SHOP for her wedding shoes, and he didn't even appreciate that classiness? Damn, Dog. Damn. Get some cooch! I mean, "cooth."

From "DtBH: The Best of Season 2." Sometimes things get real in the Netflix neighborhood.

Also- make bleach your friend, when it comes to leather "If it ain't tight, it ain't right" and finally: "Children will come to [the burial ground] saying, 'Why is Dog buried there? Why is that white man laid there?' And [they're parents will] be able to say, 'Because that white man made a terrible mistake and he requested that.'"

Snitches Get Stitches- Unless It's Dog. Why? 'Cuz He's Cool With God, So Cool That The Big Man Himself Bestowed The Largest Honor A Mortal Can Receive: The Golden Mullet Perm. And God Saw That It Was Good.

What do you meen, no one would expect that dog to save countless lives? His MULLET has saved countless lives by existing. Cripes, watch some A&E already...

Maiden Voyage

From "Jerry Springer: Undressed, Unleashed, Uncensored!: Vol. 3" She also loves Twilight!

Wow- Rambo angels! I can only imagine the accents. I wonder if Legion is making them happy, now?

A review most definitely not from a studio shill. Definitely.

TL;DR? I'll sum up this Jeff Dunham review for you: "I am the devil, and this is what awaits you in hell."

This really speaks for itself, except... what do you have to do, in todays' pagan world, to get 5 stars out of this person?