A Temporary New Columnist... or Comminist??

Sorry for lack of updates, I've been downed with a migraine that just won't quit. So I'm gonna turn over the reins to Stefano Patriciano, famed (with waiter/actors, at least) entertainment magazine gossip columnist from New Jersey. I'll warn you know: his takes are longer than mine, but in his beloved breezy, dishy tone the words will just fly by your eyeballs. Take it away, Stefano!

God, don't you hate coming into movies late? Did you know in Vegas the Cirque du Soleil will HECKLE you if you come in late? I was so mortified I started screaming at the little ringleader man that sounded like 15 European accents mashed together, and had to be restrained and dragged out by Blue Men!

One ruined-suit-with-blue-paint-that-won't-come-out and one non-refunded ticket later I learned a hard lesson: don't walk around for two hours before a show drinking countless amounts of those giant margarita glasses. CLEARLY you had the same issue when watching Shaun of the Dead (I ran into Simon Pegg at a Wild Oats once, he's a big fan of ricotta cheese! Can't get into it myself.) Starting to watch a movie with "of the Dead" in the title and being startled that zombies are in it? That's like me walking into a Reese Witherspooon movie and being startled that I fell in love with love all over again!

Also, where the heck is the pun in "having a huge pole shoot straight through her"? That's NOT a pun. You're just trying to make that sexual, which offends and confuses me. Kind of like an Eli Roth movie, but with better dialouge.

I have never heard of this film before now, and I got really excited when I read the title. I thought they had already released a straight-to-DVD sequel to "2021", adding the "Supernova" kinda like when they did that reality show "Rock Star: INXS" and then "Rock Star: Supernova", with that surly Metallica bass player, sexy rotting corpse Tommy Lee and Dobey Gillis... oh, Gilby Clarke?.. who always makes me think of Val Kilmer if he was a pirate that shopped at Hot Topic, so I'm big fan of his!

It's like looking into a mirror... on Halloween, and you're dressed like Jack Sparrow.

Glad they shot a commie? Hon, the cold war is over, let it go! Hating commies is as outdated as a very recent Newport cigarette magazine ad. We've come a long way, baby! (OK, that's Virginia Slims but it's so inspirational you can apply it anywhere.)

"OMG, that club looks sooo cool!" Not pictured: the 90's, surprisingly.

Oh my God, what is wrong with you? I hope Diana Ross hears about this and takes a "wiz" on you on! (Now THAT is a pun, Shaun of the Dead reviewer! Learn from... The Wizard! Ho ho I'm on a roll! I love Fred Savage.)

THANK YOU! Critics, take a cue- it's completely fine to be adequate, bland and forgettable! If the cast is non-offensive, then that's very pleasant! I don't really get the reference to midgets- er, little people, but I'm with you for the rest of it. Imagine if all the movies you paid good money for were carefully written, acted, directed and made with a passion- you'd be exhausted! Sometimes you just need cinema cottage cheese, and by sometimes I mean 85% of the time.

Let's see this infamous Hightly Reccomen now...

Signature twice in the beginning? Alright... whit some real hot girl... prevs... what? This is a joke, right? Are all his reviews like this??

First sentence- one misspelled word but not bad! Second sentence- yes, ok, we know who you are.. Third sentence... sweet bippy, this actually feels as violent as the things it describes! The rest is... barely suppressed rage at his parents? He's so enthusiastic about the murders... alright, that's it for me!

I'm off to my good friend Cher's house. We're going to study her Oscar and figure out how to slowly turn her more and more into its image.

I Hate Haunted Reservoir Genies

The Dead Kids Fighting Rhyme would have made a MUCH cooler version of Kazaam. MUCH cooler. Can you imagine crying at the end of Kazaam? I mean with pure emotion, instead of relieved insanity or at the loss of your childhood innocence? The real one did creep me out and make me paranoid for a while, though.

Jay Sherman's gone a little pervo and monosyllabic or something, which is unfortunate since we already have our knighted reviewer of lusty incoherence!

See?

Amateur.

Going solely from this review, I would guess they were talking about "He Blinded Me With Science: The Violent, Erotic Story of Bill Nye the Science Guy", a True Lifetime story.

Actually, nevermind. There's no WAY that would be boring!

Ok, know what? That doesn't mean you get to write a review before you see it. Nobody cares! You know how many movies are filmed/set in Brooklyn? It's not a rarity! I live in Las Vegas, if I went and saw every movie filmed here I'd HAVE TO CLAW MY EYES OUT. Stop making completely inane reasons to see movies that are dreck, you're just giving them money!

Ohh, THAT character- Forgettado DiAdequate? Yeah, he was great in that one thing! Always overshadowed by other actors, though, for whatever reason.

To make it up to this reviewer for having to suffer through dialouge and character development (yikes! Poor guy...) I shall keep this review action-packed!

*Pitchoo pitchoo!*

"No!! My partner!! He was 12 hours from retirement at his little girls wedding!!"

*Coughing* Avenge me, Antonio..."

(Antonio throws knife at passing Ninja) "Damn right I will, McCloud..."

(Antonio bites off then throws a grenade!! An ACTIVE one!!)

(Slow motion, running while carrying McCloud's blood, bullet-riddled corpse) "Whoooooa......!"

(Biggest, most amazing explosion ever, ninja body parts flying everywhere!! Antonio whips McCloud's limp, dead body around over his head like a helicopter and flies!)

(Antonio lands on a bikini island of hot ladies. He tosses the corpse of McCloud into the ocean. He lights his cigarette as he regards 50 hot, naked chicks.) "Hey baby. You look like a grief counselor to me..."

They're Not Conspiracy Theories IF I HAVE PROOF!

Sigh... it's just more of Hollywood's racist casting whitewashing. The original Lassie had to take the secret of his Jewish roots to his grave- true story!

Psh. Another pretentious film studen- I mean, oh! This is so insightful, I thought I'd put it here so you guys see what a GOOD review looks like! Puts me in mind of Federico Fellini's #3 Hyundai Sonata mise en scene, in fact... I'm a genius!!

It's the most touching film about the lessons bulls must learn since "Raging Bull", about a prized bull that needed to work on his anger issues/right hook. It flared whenever he saw red- he would see red. Still, this one is great & a little less pretentious.

(Insomniac Zac assures me no bulls were bbq'd in the making of this Photoshop!)

Scarlett Johansson was 16-17 when she made this movie- and really? You rent a movie called "Eight Legged Freaks", that's rated PG-13, expecting topless scenes of two actresses- one underaged? This takes a new, towering level of perverted optimism in film reviewing that Hightly could only dream of...

So we see the problem come full circle. Someone FINALLY trying to better their reviewing skills, and Netflix continually keeps them down by sending them damaged discs. I'm starting to think this is what you want, Netflix.

Is this some kind of multi-leveled conspiracy? Are you in with the big Hollywood studios, breeding new reviewers that are so incomprehensible that the movie watchers will no longer be able to understand them, thus will never be warned of awful movies?!

If this blog disappears soon, you'll know why. I'll leave you guys instructions, hidden in code, in a review of Sanford & Son: Season 3 in the event of my assassination.

Teen Sex Comedies of the DAMNED!

Young girls... the whole fixation with vampire movies- sorry, "vampier moveis"- is only helping to shove dudes towards these straight-to-video T&A fests! You need to come together, watch "Lost Boys" with each other and work the whole thing out.

Oh cool, really? 'Cause you make it sound so intereszzzzzzing.

Wha? Oh, sorry! As I was saying, you really bring the plot and characters to lifzzzzzzz

I refuse to see this or believe it, I seem to be trapped in some fugue dream state.

So... I guess the ending was spoiled? Yet somehow I still have no idea what happened? Or if you even reviewed a movie, or if this is merely a peek into an entry from some weird dream journal you keep? So... thanks?

I'm cool on imagining that, actually. I appreciate you sharing your imagination, though.

Not to mention encouraging me to commit suicide. Like Thanksgiving all over again....

So, does she mean "cutie" or Quentin Tarantino? YOU make the call!!

(It's kind of an easy call, actually- if it was Tarantino the milk maids would be called the Milk Maid Mafia and katanas would be involved, somehow- and FEET!)

I didn't get the "DR. NO SUCKS" reference, until I looked at the cast list and saw that the gorgeous Ursela Andress was in "Slave of the Cannibal God" as well. So in Hightly's mind, this-

is complete poo compared to this-

Ok I gotta admit, Ursela Undead finally doing in the Highlander would be pretty sweet. Hightly, you've done it again!!

(Big thanks yet again to Insomniac Zac for his sweet Bond girl zombie making skillz!)

Blind Leading the Blind

I TOTALLY agree! It's so nice seeing millionaire actors playing ORDINARY PEOPLE pretending and making jokes about TOILING TO MAKE LIFE WORK within RV-centric hijinks. Just like most of us do!

I always said The Rock should play Medusa, but who listens to me? Apparently this person would! Wouldn't be able to understand anything they'd say, but at least I'm not alone anymore..

Also, reviewing an unreleased film based on its trailer on Youtube? Cripes these reviewers are cutting-edge.

What if I don't like horrific romantic comedies that are neither romantic nor comedic? Talk about making me covet a little violence... (or a lot, as the case may be)

WOW, dude, lay off! :( Julianne Moore... please don't be so sensitive! You were in Boogie Nights AND The Big Lebowski. Don't let anyone push you around, red.

Yeah, Netflix should really fact-check better...

Rare, unsigned Hightly Reccomen reviews. These bad, big-boobed gals sadly did not earn his signature. Enjoy!

The Moviegoer vs. The Evil Film Critics vs. Hightly Reccomen

For those of you wondering why I made that podcast, well... here's why.

The Netflix community- which, of course, is like the UN of the world's moviegoers- was crying out for Hightly Reccomen. For a change from those evil, rich, mean-spirited reviewers that ONLY care about ruining our good time! Don't believe me? Then cup your ear to the cries of revolution on the streets, and read on...

Some of you cynics might be thinking to yourself, "Dude, it's not the critics fault... you just have awful, vomit-inducing, migraine-creating, unrefined, too-horrific-to-even-laugh-at taste in movies."

Sooo cynical.

Hell yeah! The success of a movie based on toys that cost... well, a lot... deserve to be #1! Because Hollywood cares about us, the movie lovers! They aren't cranking out soulless pap with big explosions and giant robot testicles for the Evil Film Critics- it's for us! The people they laugh at while they take our money for watching what is essentially a near 3-hour commercial! Take THAT!

Even if they did see the show- it's like they expected the movie to stand on its own merits and be entertaining, or something!! I hate those fancy Hollywood critics so much....

To be fair, I think with a director with the name "Shankman" should be making sweet, violent, sexy exploitation films...

Now that's a bedtime story!

Hear that, poor, beleaguered movie watcher? It's the winds of change, blowing away from those evil movie critics asses that pick on Larry

the Cable Guy just 'cuz he's awesome and AMERICAN, and towards a new generation of reviewer. Enjoy.

Bask in its glow... that's what it's there for...

Thank you, Hightly.

The Tale of Hightly Reccomen: Renegade Film Reviewer

The first audio entry of the blog! Here is (part 1?) of my look into the work of Hightly Reccomen. Please feel free to click his name under this post and peruse his reviews while I discuss his influence and share some of his reviews- some posted here, and some new ones!

Comment | Copy This

You can also download the mp3 here- hightlyreccomen.mp3

Porn stars, religion & bodily functions, Nickelback + more...

See? I'm not the only one that reviews reviews! Or needs a life!

*sobs quietly into my snark*

You mean... Nic Cage? No, no, Hightly Reccomen (underground reviewer extraordinaire- he even got into an advance screening!!) wouldn't get something like that wrong. LOOK HE IS A SUPERHERO.

Makes two thumbs up look downright pedestrian, eh?

That nun peeing quota gets filled up REALLY quickly... I blame the communion wine.

Finally, a direct critique to Rod, the true (penis) power behind Ron "Penis" Jeremy's acting prowess. Well played.

That's what she said?

Hell yeah they do. These are the streets Nickelback are from:

CANADA, SON!

(Shout-out the Cammy for bringing this to my attention. Thanks, I guess??)