I have an agenda. Of PAIN.

YOU LIE! Sigh. I got all excited, too. Now all we can do is imagine it... or watch Youtube videos of mash-ups of Child's Play & Leprechaun!

This totally looks like a fantastic movie that would set box office records!!

Amen, sister! Action heroes just don't know who to punch anymore...

Not him, he's Republican!! I know he's an Austrian actor, but he's not a Democrat!! Dammit, Sly, you used to know how to be a MAN!

Hell yeah! Just as long as the person you punch is for Obama's healthcare plan- then it's not a bad thing at all, it's JUSTICE.

Alright- full disclosure. Obama personally cancelled it because Biden hates Skeet Ulrich.

"Put on a SHIRT young man, and stop writing things on yourself like some methed-out child! What the hell kind of name is Skeet anyway, do you think that's professional? I can't believe anyone thought you'd be the next Johnny Depp... "The Craft". Please. More like "The Crap"! And "Scream"! Sir, what in God's name do you have against the lovely Neve Campbell?"

Not really in the mood to snark this reviewer. You knew what the f**k the movie was about when you chose to rent it. Don't expect art to

conform to your narrow, bigoted little "agenda". Don't like the movie-

fine. But don't act like a twisted little monster that deserves to be

somewhere at the exclusion of others. /end rant.

Sorry, I need a review palette cleanser after that...

*sigh* Thank you.

Friday Night Twisters!

Oh boy!!! Wow, if this is how much she enjoys a 1 star movie... I don't want to be anywhere near her when she sees a 5 star one.

Chase that rainbow tornado of love, babydoll!

Don't worry, then Bill Paxton came riding in on the GOOD twisters and they totally fought them and the monsters in my closet who I don't feel bad for at all and won!

I thought this review was pretty good. I did not think this review was good at all. However, this movie has a tornado at the end! Apparently! Movie marathon!!!

Remember: it's only racism if it's against your particular race or a race you don't like makes said racist remark. Only a liquored up Irish green-eyed monster would say otherwise.

That's the problem I had with this movie as well. Too glamorous.

Also, not enough Jessica Biel tush.

"He's a baaad mutha-"

"Shut your mouth!"

"I'm just talking 'bout Romeo Must Die!"

"..."

*bang bang bang!*

Jean Claude Gosh Darn vs. Seven Seagulls

Technically this is for "Double Impact", b u t i t w o r k s f o r a l l V a n D a m m e m o v i e s.

For "Death Warrant". You might say this is a simple case of amusing misspelling, but I say JCVD as GOD with a NUKED GUN would be the greatest film of all-time, and this reviewer is one of our greatest thinkers.

That was pretty awesome.

Wait- is that some kind of twin or Morse code? Hold on, let me Bablefish this sucker.

Got it!

"Look, I understand this isn't a sequel to Bloodsport and it's unfair if me to expect it to be- it's just... that was a seminal film in my life. Bloodsport taught me how to be a man; how to exact revenge... and how to do a sweet roundhouse kick. Also, my girlfriend won't stop talking about wanting to "be the meat between the 'Jean Claude' and the 'Van Damme' in this movie cover, and that kinda pisses me off. purple monkey dishwasher."

Aw... that's kinda sweet!

1991 films about organized crime starring Steven Seagal is a more crowded genre than people at first realize.

"Barb. Barb! You can use the computer and print out your knitting instructions when I'm done! I gotta review this while it's still fresh in my mind- Seagal deserves no less! Aw man, now look what you made me type! Let me just delete- hey! Hey!!! You're hurting me, Barb! fgggmmmmmmmmm"

Let this be the script for the commercial for the Steven Seagal action figure. Please.

Seagal is justice, and he doesn't take too kindly to people that use the review space as a customer service feedback form. Unless it's Richard Marx- they're tight like brothers that share hair product.