// Netflix Reviews of Doom \\

Brutal Sorcerer's Battle Evil Dolls

2011-05-19T16:50:00.001-07:00

I have it when I bite my tonque and it goes into my typinq. Unrelated, Q is an awesome fuckinq letter.

Yeah!

I feel you, and I don't understand people that let their kids watch Child's Play got son/daughter.

I had to wait until I was 10 to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre, no fair.

Full disclosure: Train is so heartlessly gruesome I feel the need to share a clip to warn people away from it. Warning: not for the weak of heart!

We're Back! (not) A Dinosaur Tale

2011-05-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, more than a year for an update! Well I'm back updating (at a slightly slower pace than I did before, however). If you enjoy please leave comments so I know this is worth continuing- I'm so insecure! Anyway, let's dive back into this madness, shall we?

Actually, the Super Bowl ad was the third movie. The 3-hour toy movie they're going to release in theaters is going to be Transformers 4, which takes off where #3, the prequel to #4, left off. Talking robot babies breakdance while using E*Trade, and Betty White (who transforms into a '77 Cutlass Supreme) teaches Shia LaBouf how to love and be sassy and eat Snickers.

Megan Fox actually has a disorder to stay in the Transformer franchise- as in she literally cannot appear in a non-Transformers movie. All the other films she supposedly appeared in were just sophisticated cardboard stand-ins of Megan Fox with voice chips attached. Sometimes I suspect Michael Bay just lacks the fuck giving capabilities of anything remotely sentient- mind you this is a pet theory of mine.

This only scratches the surface. His mom only liked the second in the series. Dad found the movies lacking but really enjoyed the pink paper version of the script; grandma came on board for the Goldenrod one. His older brother only ironically likes the toys until he gets a girlfriend (or the value significantly drops on the secondary market). His kids will not get to see this because nobody wants to have sex with a Transformers movie fan.

Hugh hopes crash hard, especially if you're familiar enough with Rob Schnieder's ouvere that you can refer to his movie as "Deuce B".

Your guess is as good as mine.

2011-05-14T20:12:00.001-07:00

BRB!

Movie Suggestion WIN

2010-05-02T01:56:00.000-07:00

(Click for full size)

A Temporary New Columnist... or Comminist??

2010-03-09T21:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry for lack of updates, I've been downed with a migraine that just won't quit. So I'm gonna turn over the reins to Stefano Patriciano, famed (with waiter/actors, at least) entertainment magazine gossip columnist from New Jersey. I'll warn you know: his takes are longer than mine, but in his beloved breezy, dishy tone the words will just fly by your eyeballs. Take it away, Stefano!

God, don't you hate coming into movies late? Did you know in Vegas the Cirque du Soleil will HECKLE you if you come in late? I was so mortified I started screaming at the little ringleader man that sounded like 15 European accents mashed together, and had to be restrained and dragged out by Blue Men!

One ruined-suit-with-blue-paint-that-won't-come-out and one non-refunded ticket later I learned a hard lesson: don't walk around for two hours before a show drinking countless amounts of those giant margarita glasses. CLEARLY you had the same issue when watching Shaun of the Dead (I ran into Simon Pegg at a Wild Oats once, he's a big fan of ricotta cheese! Can't get into it myself.) Starting to watch a movie with "of the Dead" in the title and being startled that zombies are in it? That's like me walking into a Reese Witherspooon movie and being startled that I fell in love with love all over again!

Also, where the heck is the pun in "having a huge pole shoot straight through her"? That's NOT a pun. You're just trying to make that sexual, which offends and confuses me. Kind of like an Eli Roth movie, but with better dialouge.

I have never heard of this film before now, and I got really excited when I read the title. I thought they had already released a straight-to-DVD sequel to "2021", adding the "Supernova" kinda like when they did that reality show "Rock Star: INXS" and then "Rock Star: Supernova", with that surly Metallica bass player, sexy rotting corpse Tommy Lee and Dobey Gillis... oh, Gilby Clarke?.. who always makes me think of Val Kilmer if he was a pirate that shopped at Hot Topic, so I'm big fan of his!

It's like looking into a mirror... on Halloween, and you're dressed like Jack Sparrow.

Glad they shot a commie? Hon, the cold war is over, let it go! Hating commies is as outdated as a very recent Newport cigarette magazine ad. We've come a long way, baby! (OK, that's Virginia Slims but it's so inspirational you can apply it anywhere.)

"OMG, that club looks sooo cool!" Not pictured: the 90's, surprisingly.

Oh my God, what is wrong with you? I hope Diana Ross hears about this and takes a "wiz" on you on! (Now THAT is a pun, Shaun of the Dead reviewer! Learn from... The Wizard! Ho ho I'm on a roll! I love Fred Savage.)

THANK YOU! Critics, take a cue- it's completely fine to be adequate, bland and forgettable! If the cast is non-offensive, then that's very pleasant! I don't really get the reference to midgets- er, little people, but I'm with you for the rest of it. Imagine if all the movies you paid good money for were carefully written, acted, directed and made with a passion- you'd be exhausted! Sometimes you just need cinema cottage cheese, and by sometimes I mean 85% of the time.

Let's see this infamous Hightly Reccomen now...

Signature twice in the beginning? Alright... whit some real hot girl... prevs... what? This is a joke, right? Are all his reviews like this??

First sentence- one misspelled word but not bad! Second sentence- yes, ok, we know who you are.. Third sentence... sweet bippy, this actually feels as violent as the things it describes! The rest is... barely suppressed rage at his parents? He's so enthusiastic about the murders... alright, that's it for me!

I'm off to my good friend Cher's house. We're going to study her Oscar and figure out how to slowly turn her more and more into its image.

I Hate Haunted Reservoir Genies

2010-03-06T01:09:00.000-08:00

The Dead Kids Fighting Rhyme would have made a MUCH cooler version of Kazaam. MUCH cooler. Can you imagine crying at the end of Kazaam? I mean with pure emotion, instead of relieved insanity or at the loss of your childhood innocence? The real one did creep me out and make me paranoid for a while, though.

Jay Sherman's gone a little pervo and monosyllabic or something, which is unfortunate since we already have our knighted reviewer of lusty incoherence!

See?

Amateur.

Going solely from this review, I would guess they were talking about "He Blinded Me With Science: The Violent, Erotic Story of Bill Nye the Science Guy", a True Lifetime story.

Actually, nevermind. There's no WAY that would be boring!

Ok, know what? That doesn't mean you get to write a review before you see it. Nobody cares! You know how many movies are filmed/set in Brooklyn? It's not a rarity! I live in Las Vegas, if I went and saw every movie filmed here I'd HAVE TO CLAW MY EYES OUT. Stop making completely inane reasons to see movies that are dreck, you're just giving them money!

Ohh, THAT character- Forgettado DiAdequate? Yeah, he was great in that one thing! Always overshadowed by other actors, though, for whatever reason.

To make it up to this reviewer for having to suffer through dialouge and character development (yikes! Poor guy...) I shall keep this review action-packed!

*Pitchoo pitchoo!*

"No!! My partner!! He was 12 hours from retirement at his little girls wedding!!"

*Coughing* Avenge me, Antonio..."

(Antonio throws knife at passing Ninja) "Damn right I will, McCloud..."

(Antonio bites off then throws a grenade!! An ACTIVE one!!)

(Slow motion, running while carrying McCloud's blood, bullet-riddled corpse) "Whoooooa......!"

(Biggest, most amazing explosion ever, ninja body parts flying everywhere!! Antonio whips McCloud's limp, dead body around over his head like a helicopter and flies!)

(Antonio lands on a bikini island of hot ladies. He tosses the corpse of McCloud into the ocean. He lights his cigarette as he regards 50 hot, naked chicks.) "Hey baby. You look like a grief counselor to me..."

Clown Jugglers? This oughta be fun...

2010-03-03T13:07:00.000-08:00

Insane Clown Posse review time! Normally it'd be like shooting giant sharks in one of those little plastic barrels they keep those little plastic monkey toys in, but for some reason juggalos and juggalettes aren't big on DVD reviews...

Magic ninjas... wait, what??

Well, you're a fantastic parent just the same for renting it for them anyway. :) High five, for contributing to society!

Sadly, this was the last transmission from "Kamakaze" #23. The 22 kamikazes left similar cryptic goodbye messages, ranging from hints about ninjas with magical powers and mentally disturbed harlequin gangs.

No, not a bad review but... 5 stars? Have the Insane Clown Posse *really* enriched your life to the point that you can give Death Racers an instant pass even though it sucks?

Yeah?

Then the fool is me, I guess. I'm just hatin' cuz I don't have homies. :(

Sci Fi Channel juggalos 4 lyfe! Up yours, limey!!

"What was that again? Send in the clowns my bleedin' arse..."

But what do scary men in clown makeup have to do with death racing, anyway? What does enjoying that insanity have anything to do with me wanting to see cars that murder people/each other?? I don't understand anything anymore!!

"This is a film intended to be for an audience of juggalos." Really? Let's check the synopsis...

"Four hyped-up teams of contestants compete to win a violent race in this action-packed sci-fi flick. Living in a grim future world in which life is cheap, the racers will do anything to win. Even killing competitors off while pushing their vehicles to go the distance is not against the rules -- and is probably the only way to prevail. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of Insane Clown Posse star, along with former WWE star Raven."

I'm not sure this is true. What about the massive fans of WWE star Raven?? You want to deny them this thrill ride? I'm so sick of this juggalo elitism- them and their jaunty hunts for chickens and whatnot. Good day to you, sirs!

(Thanks Insomniac Zac for your decapitation work!)

I have an agenda. Of PAIN.

2010-03-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

YOU LIE! Sigh. I got all excited, too. Now all we can do is imagine it... or watch Youtube videos of mash-ups of Child's Play & Leprechaun!

This totally looks like a fantastic movie that would set box office records!!

Amen, sister! Action heroes just don't know who to punch anymore...

Not him, he's Republican!! I know he's an Austrian actor, but he's not a Democrat!! Dammit, Sly, you used to know how to be a MAN!

Hell yeah! Just as long as the person you punch is for Obama's healthcare plan- then it's not a bad thing at all, it's JUSTICE.

Alright- full disclosure. Obama personally cancelled it because Biden hates Skeet Ulrich.

"Put on a SHIRT young man, and stop writing things on yourself like some methed-out child! What the hell kind of name is Skeet anyway, do you think that's professional? I can't believe anyone thought you'd be the next Johnny Depp... "The Craft". Please. More like "The Crap"! And "Scream"! Sir, what in God's name do you have against the lovely Neve Campbell?"

Not really in the mood to snark this reviewer. You knew what the f**k the movie was about when you chose to rent it. Don't expect art to

conform to your narrow, bigoted little "agenda". Don't like the movie-

fine. But don't act like a twisted little monster that deserves to be

somewhere at the exclusion of others. /end rant.

Sorry, I need a review palette cleanser after that...

*sigh* Thank you.

They're Not Conspiracy Theories IF I HAVE PROOF!

2010-02-28T20:26:00.000-08:00

Sigh... it's just more of Hollywood's racist casting whitewashing. The original Lassie had to take the secret of his Jewish roots to his grave- true story!

Psh. Another pretentious film studen- I mean, oh! This is so insightful, I thought I'd put it here so you guys see what a GOOD review looks like! Puts me in mind of Federico Fellini's #3 Hyundai Sonata mise en scene, in fact... I'm a genius!!

It's the most touching film about the lessons bulls must learn since "Raging Bull", about a prized bull that needed to work on his anger issues/right hook. It flared whenever he saw red- he would see red. Still, this one is great & a little less pretentious.

(Insomniac Zac assures me no bulls were bbq'd in the making of this Photoshop!)

Scarlett Johansson was 16-17 when she made this movie- and really? You rent a movie called "Eight Legged Freaks", that's rated PG-13, expecting topless scenes of two actresses- one underaged? This takes a new, towering level of perverted optimism in film reviewing that Hightly could only dream of...

So we see the problem come full circle. Someone FINALLY trying to better their reviewing skills, and Netflix continually keeps them down by sending them damaged discs. I'm starting to think this is what you want, Netflix.

Is this some kind of multi-leveled conspiracy? Are you in with the big Hollywood studios, breeding new reviewers that are so incomprehensible that the movie watchers will no longer be able to understand them, thus will never be warned of awful movies?!

If this blog disappears soon, you'll know why. I'll leave you guys instructions, hidden in code, in a review of Sanford & Son: Season 3 in the event of my assassination.

True movie love, taboos more Larry the Cable Guy

2010-02-27T15:51:00.000-08:00

So... "The Biggest Taboo" turns out to be playing an old record in a cabin that chants evil to possess & zombie-fy all it comes in touch with the girl that gets attacked by the tree branches... ouch?

Huh. Well, I still think Sade could probably make a song out of that. If nothing else I really want to hear her try.

"The biggest tabooo... is becoming host to a Kandarian demon... the biggest taboo...for God's sake, what happened to her eyyyyes, baaaaby...."

I can't think of anything to say to this, it makes that little sense. All I can do is point and say "Look, look! This is what comes out when a movie gets filtered through this persons brain and out their fingers!!" That, and oh hey- it's that girl from Up in the Air and the Twilght movies.

Oh, was that boring? Excuse me! Sometime my views are not the helper. I have just tried. :(

I'm glad there was nothing offensive in this for her (save for the filmmaker's regard for the viewers intelligence) but just because she's 88 and needs you to set up the DVD player for her doesn't mean you should force the poor woman to watch Larry the Cable Guy movies.

C'mon, she carried you for 9 months! You can at least carry in the complete series of The Golden Girls.

Sun rise, sun set. Son rise, Golden TV set...

I have no idea what this lady is on about. Except I know how Zsa Zsa feels about marriage:

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."

"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do."

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

Sometimes you need to find a middle ground with understanding/relating to reviewers. I tend to find comfort in fabulous ruffles and jewels, darling.

Alright, after that last review- to prove I'm not made of stone (or diamonds, as the case may be. No competition from over here, Rob Pattinson!) The below review is not bad at all. It even has a heartwarming ending. No fooling!
Aw, I love reviews with a happy ending. :) Let's look at some later reviews from the same fella and see how the relationship is going...

(click image for larger size)

She... bought you "Thumb Wars: The Last Cuticle" and "Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself". For your birthday.

Love is dead.

Teen Sex Comedies of the DAMNED!

2010-02-24T10:01:00.000-08:00

Young girls... the whole fixation with vampire movies- sorry, "vampier moveis"- is only helping to shove dudes towards these straight-to-video T&A fests! You need to come together, watch "Lost Boys" with each other and work the whole thing out.

Oh cool, really? 'Cause you make it sound so intereszzzzzzing.

Wha? Oh, sorry! As I was saying, you really bring the plot and characters to lifzzzzzzz

I refuse to see this or believe it, I seem to be trapped in some fugue dream state.

So... I guess the ending was spoiled? Yet somehow I still have no idea what happened? Or if you even reviewed a movie, or if this is merely a peek into an entry from some weird dream journal you keep? So... thanks?

I'm cool on imagining that, actually. I appreciate you sharing your imagination, though.

Not to mention encouraging me to commit suicide. Like Thanksgiving all over again....

So, does she mean "cutie" or Quentin Tarantino? YOU make the call!!

(It's kind of an easy call, actually- if it was Tarantino the milk maids would be called the Milk Maid Mafia and katanas would be involved, somehow- and FEET!)

I didn't get the "DR. NO SUCKS" reference, until I looked at the cast list and saw that the gorgeous Ursela Andress was in "Slave of the Cannibal God" as well. So in Hightly's mind, this-

is complete poo compared to this-

Ok I gotta admit, Ursela Undead finally doing in the Highlander would be pretty sweet. Hightly, you've done it again!!

(Big thanks yet again to Insomniac Zac for his sweet Bond girl zombie making skillz!)

Blind Leading the Blind

2010-02-23T17:00:00.001-08:00

I TOTALLY agree! It's so nice seeing millionaire actors playing ORDINARY PEOPLE pretending and making jokes about TOILING TO MAKE LIFE WORK within RV-centric hijinks. Just like most of us do!

I always said The Rock should play Medusa, but who listens to me? Apparently this person would! Wouldn't be able to understand anything they'd say, but at least I'm not alone anymore..

Also, reviewing an unreleased film based on its trailer on Youtube? Cripes these reviewers are cutting-edge.

What if I don't like horrific romantic comedies that are neither romantic nor comedic? Talk about making me covet a little violence... (or a lot, as the case may be)

WOW, dude, lay off! :( Julianne Moore... please don't be so sensitive! You were in Boogie Nights AND The Big Lebowski. Don't let anyone push you around, red.

Yeah, Netflix should really fact-check better...

Rare, unsigned Hightly Reccomen reviews. These bad, big-boobed gals sadly did not earn his signature. Enjoy!

The Moviegoer vs. The Evil Film Critics vs. Hightly Reccomen

2010-02-22T22:36:00.001-08:00

For those of you wondering why I made that podcast, well... here's why.

The Netflix community- which, of course, is like the UN of the world's moviegoers- was crying out for Hightly Reccomen. For a change from those evil, rich, mean-spirited reviewers that ONLY care about ruining our good time! Don't believe me? Then cup your ear to the cries of revolution on the streets, and read on...

Some of you cynics might be thinking to yourself, "Dude, it's not the critics fault... you just have awful, vomit-inducing, migraine-creating, unrefined, too-horrific-to-even-laugh-at taste in movies."

Sooo cynical.

Hell yeah! The success of a movie based on toys that cost... well, a lot... deserve to be #1! Because Hollywood cares about us, the movie lovers! They aren't cranking out soulless pap with big explosions and giant robot testicles for the Evil Film Critics- it's for us! The people they laugh at while they take our money for watching what is essentially a near 3-hour commercial! Take THAT!

Even if they did see the show- it's like they expected the movie to stand on its own merits and be entertaining, or something!! I hate those fancy Hollywood critics so much....

To be fair, I think with a director with the name "Shankman" should be making sweet, violent, sexy exploitation films...

Now that's a bedtime story!

Hear that, poor, beleaguered movie watcher? It's the winds of change, blowing away from those evil movie critics asses that pick on Larry

the Cable Guy just 'cuz he's awesome and AMERICAN, and towards a new generation of reviewer. Enjoy.

Bask in its glow... that's what it's there for...

Thank you, Hightly.

The Tale of Hightly Reccomen: Renegade Film Reviewer

2010-02-21T13:14:00.000-08:00

The first audio entry of the blog! Here is (part 1?) of my look into the work of Hightly Reccomen. Please feel free to click his name under this post and peruse his reviews while I discuss his influence and share some of his reviews- some posted here, and some new ones!

Comment | Copy This

You can also download the mp3 here- hightlyreccomen.mp3

Ride the Funky Freedom Train of Love, Baby!

2010-02-21T10:01:00.001-08:00

He's... free...

(Play the video for the full majesty!

Free...

Ooo... Google needs to do a Caligula-themed search commercial asap.

Nude Roman commune... the Romans were the first dirty, free-lovin' hippies in history, you know. Very educational film, this.

I don't know... it seems like a fairly lateral move to me.

I think you mean a 3 inch part!

*rimshot*

Does it? Really? Because I would think it'd be more like "Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who's the DEADEST one of all?"

"The most MURDERED of them all?"

"The most STABBED of them all?"

"The most- HOLY SHIT THERE'S A GHOST IN THE MIRROR!"

"TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!"

Just funkaaay!

Don't question it, baby

Cruz OUT of Control! Ha!

2010-02-20T14:19:00.001-08:00

(Click image for regular size, though you really won't need to.)

Wait- what's required whenever Cruz is on screen?

Your lack of clarity makes these reviews unreadable.

That guy from that piano movie: "Jesus Christo woman, what are you saying??"

CRUZ TRANSLATION: "I will now consume your soul through your neck flesh with my alien suction fingers, Adrien Brody."*

*(I'd like to thank the Church of Scientology Celebrity Center for providing the translation. You guys are the best!!)

This is why I'm hot.

2010-02-19T19:22:00.000-08:00

No, seriously. Caution.

Nice, huh? Wait for it...

Mmmhmm....

IT'S CALLED A SPOILERS TAG YOU STUPID BITC- oh, wait- you're hot? Um... you review here often? Heh. That movie looked lame anyway, I don't care that you spoiled the ending, it's cool...

Pee in the pores? As a beauty tip I find this disgusting, but she IS hot... dammit. I can't argue with that. Dammit.

I think I've uncovered the secret to becoming hot... urine! The nuns were right all along!

(Keep those sinful thoughts in check or she'll put that out in your eye- that's hot nun justice!)

Bedazzled Aliens Murder Bill Murray's Ghost Baby

2010-02-19T01:14:00.000-08:00

Ghost raping based on a true story... but yeah, the weird part when her son has more cajones than her boyfriend.

You... do know Bill Murray is still alive and making movies, right?

Right?

Sometimes I feel that there are reviewers that just want to mess with peoples heads. Maybe she's punishing whoever would want to rent these movies, so she injects a migraine into their skulls via the typed word.

Need more evidence?

I TOLD YOU!! Ha. Ha! I told you all...

"If This Person Was A Filmmaker: In Four Images" Presents 21:

"I want to get into this collage."

"Dazzle me. I mean- dazzel me ???"

DAZZZZEELLLZZZ!!!

Diddnt see that commin!

Porn stars, religion & bodily functions, Nickelback + more...

2010-02-17T23:56:00.000-08:00

See? I'm not the only one that reviews reviews! Or needs a life!

*sobs quietly into my snark*

You mean... Nic Cage? No, no, Hightly Reccomen (underground reviewer extraordinaire- he even got into an advance screening!!) wouldn't get something like that wrong. LOOK HE IS A SUPERHERO.

Makes two thumbs up look downright pedestrian, eh?

That nun peeing quota gets filled up REALLY quickly... I blame the communion wine.

Finally, a direct critique to Rod, the true (penis) power behind Ron "Penis" Jeremy's acting prowess. Well played.

That's what she said?

Hell yeah they do. These are the streets Nickelback are from:

CANADA, SON!

(Shout-out the Cammy for bringing this to my attention. Thanks, I guess??)

LOL wut?

2010-02-17T16:55:00.000-08:00

I have no doubt that this would have been a better movie if 1. Jackie Chan had an Irish accent in it and 2. That boy WAS "special", and the medallion is a badge made out of tinfoil that says "Sheruff" on it.

Well, as long as there's no holes in it and there's vengedence in it....

I totally missed the Starbucks conspiracy angle when I watched this movie. MAN, this reviewer is amazing. I also think this rhymed, somehow, which makes it REALLY profound.

Translation of the lady post-Kangaroo that heard you having a "grand ole time in the theater": It's bad enough her kids dragged her to see Kangaroo Jack, the loud, manic laughter of a grown man watching it added a new layer of hell to it.

"Big foot kept them with thier(sic) eyes open and mouths closed." If there's an underground wrestler named Big Foot out there that wants to start a nanny business, your motto is right here.

This could BE YOU!

(Big thanks yet again to Insomniac Zac for his hot Photoshop skillz! He also made that ace AvP header.)

(Click image for original size)

Some boys, if you catch her 11-year-old drift. *nudge*

Memo to Robert Pattison: This is the fanbase you have cultivated at this point in your career. From now on, your success is based solely on your hair, kissing girls named Bella and how well you can brood.

Enjoy your fanomanal success!

Brevity Is the Soul of Blogs

2010-02-16T10:48:00.000-08:00

I hear sweet destiny is into 69/365, if you catch my drift...

'K.

Then that movie would be called Big Black Bang Coc- nevermind.

This guy has officially put more thought into this movie than anyone that actually worked on creating it.

He's right. Turnips are gross.

I don't know, I've seen an obscene amount of obscene Santa Clauses (Clausi?) hang out in parking garages.

The Super Alien Ventriloquist Bratz Final Fantasy

2010-02-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

Because Bratz: Fashion Pixiez tell the truth, and They don't want you to know the truth. Fight them with your pink sparklez, little girl! DO NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THAT GOOD FASHIONABLE NIGHT!!

This person is breeding.

Yes- your 4-year-old being alone at the mall around people that would give cigarettes to a 4-year-old is based solely on her watching a Bratz cartoon, not anything connected with bad parenting or you being Satan, or anything.

After those Bratz reviews, I wanted to assure you guys this is still a classy and witty blog. Enjoy!

We're still waiting for those 4,997 other ones. Until then, this puppy is staying in my queue.

You don't need luck! You're 10! That's how it works when you're 10, your parents and teachers just realize you're 10 and you're a world weary and cynical 10-year-old and you've seen it all before.

Unless this meeting is gonna be based on your 10-year-old spelling grades. Then you are 10-year-old "screwed".

Jeff Dunham from hell? Isn't that redundant? *rimshot!*

(click for full-size)

A fan of Twilight that didn't know that Jacob was a werewolf.

This person is also breeding.

I love you, so here's some scary reviews!

2010-02-13T12:20:00.000-08:00

$2 billion worth of dorks wanna see it? I feel your pain though, I ignored the commercials just like you and went to the theaters expecting a revival of the 1941 Bengali film Avatar, directed by Premankur Atorthy.

BTW, here's the TOTALLY non-dorky guy directing your avatar movie:

"You see, it's with unobtanium that he can bend the air..."

Who would, right? Heath Ledger's acting got even better reviews than he did in Brokeback Mountain, he won an Oscar for it, he even pissed off Jack Nicholson with jealousy to the point of Nicholson acting like a fucking monster, it's one of the highest grossing AND critically acclaimed movies ever and people will be watching it forever.

Oh, wait. Did you mean Batman? Yeah, his voice is pretty death metal ridiculous in this. It could be worse, though...

Robin-Ape is lying in wait on the other roof, poo at the ready to fling for distraction!

I KNOW I SAW THAT MOVIE TOO, IT HAS THAT ONE LADY IN IT. I THINK BOOGALOO SHRIMP WAS IN IT, TOO. HE WORE A HAT.

So, let me get this straight. You think it's good, and sometimes great, and maybe even funny that Bambi's mother was murdered? Wow. Just... wow.

Our favorite boundry-pushing underground reviewer Hightly Reccomen is back!! This time with porno cartoon cats and reccomening underage naked girls to "all HORNY MEN." Hey, it got his thing ROCK HARD- Hightly would NOT steer you wrong!

Mmm, yeah. That's EXACTLY what it looks like....

I'll tell you why you have those feelings.... you're becoming a woman. Happy Valentine's Day! I hope you get all the azz your heart desires.

Friday Night Twisters!

2010-02-12T12:12:00.000-08:00

Oh boy!!! Wow, if this is how much she enjoys a 1 star movie... I don't want to be anywhere near her when she sees a 5 star one.

Chase that rainbow tornado of love, babydoll!

Don't worry, then Bill Paxton came riding in on the GOOD twisters and they totally fought them and the monsters in my closet who I don't feel bad for at all and won!

I thought this review was pretty good. I did not think this review was good at all. However, this movie has a tornado at the end! Apparently! Movie marathon!!!

Remember: it's only racism if it's against your particular race or a race you don't like makes said racist remark. Only a liquored up Irish green-eyed monster would say otherwise.

That's the problem I had with this movie as well. Too glamorous.

Also, not enough Jessica Biel tush.

"He's a baaad mutha-"

"Shut your mouth!"

"I'm just talking 'bout Romeo Must Die!"

"..."

*bang bang bang!*

Short 'n' snarky (with one sweet)

2010-02-11T12:22:00.000-08:00

What? Sorry, my brain shut down after I saw red after reading "better than the van damme one." Except...

Alright, I'm a convert. Also, I think I'm in love. Wait... holy... I think he just

knocked me up with his eyebrows!!

I think I found yours.... keep shuffling, zombies! Keep shuffling...

I sincerely wish to party with this reviewer.

Always funny, eh? This reviewer must be British.

Tee hee... in the end.

100x better than The Matrix? You go to hell for telling this to people. You go to hell and you die.

It's not often I want to give a review a hug... but this is is definitely one of those times.

Jean Claude Gosh Darn vs. Seven Seagulls

2010-02-10T10:36:00.001-08:00

Technically this is for "Double Impact", b u t i t w o r k s f o r a l l V a n D a m m e m o v i e s.

For "Death Warrant". You might say this is a simple case of amusing misspelling, but I say JCVD as GOD with a NUKED GUN would be the greatest film of all-time, and this reviewer is one of our greatest thinkers.

That was pretty awesome.

Wait- is that some kind of twin or Morse code? Hold on, let me Bablefish this sucker.

Got it!

"Look, I understand this isn't a sequel to Bloodsport and it's unfair if me to expect it to be- it's just... that was a seminal film in my life. Bloodsport taught me how to be a man; how to exact revenge... and how to do a sweet roundhouse kick. Also, my girlfriend won't stop talking about wanting to "be the meat between the 'Jean Claude' and the 'Van Damme' in this movie cover, and that kinda pisses me off. purple monkey dishwasher."

Aw... that's kinda sweet!

1991 films about organized crime starring Steven Seagal is a more crowded genre than people at first realize.

"Barb. Barb! You can use the computer and print out your knitting instructions when I'm done! I gotta review this while it's still fresh in my mind- Seagal deserves no less! Aw man, now look what you made me type! Let me just delete- hey! Hey!!! You're hurting me, Barb! fgggmmmmmmmmm"

Let this be the script for the commercial for the Steven Seagal action figure. Please.

Seagal is justice, and he doesn't take too kindly to people that use the review space as a customer service feedback form. Unless it's Richard Marx- they're tight like brothers that share hair product.

A Manly, Manly Entry

2010-02-09T17:24:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big rap fan, but I gotta admit this review jam is pretty catchy....

It's all economics. Quantitty, and all that.

This guy is gonna crap his pants when The Bank Job Two comes out...

Lemme just rate it 4 stars here... do as I say, not as I do, people! Real wisdom, here.

Aw, c'mon... please? It's Seagal!

3 stars for a movie you haven't seen that reminded you of a terrible movie you HAVE seen. Holy hell, your talents are being wasted stupid reviewing solely for Netflix subscribers....

HA! Exactly! If you can't make a comedy yourself, how will you know what's funny? So do the "good old American" thing and STEAL from them! If you get arrested, who cares? You can tell your cellmates you're in there for stealing Wild MOTHERFUCKIN' Hogs, a FFFFUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNY, great memory-making piece of comedic gold.

Know what they'd say to that? They'd salute you.

Those fancy critics at home? They'll be in their cold, expensive apartments, weeping into their cold, expensive Ingmar Bergman Criterion DVD sets.

God Bless America.

Beach Blanket Review Bingo!!

2010-02-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

Word. Usually when you see a guy getting it on with an entire Peace Corps you just gotta give him grudging respect- AND pay premium prices online! A funny version? On American late night cable? Count me the heck in!

Lex Luger was the toughest kid on the block. He could knock down your little sister down the street with one well-placed lugie. He spit into the wind AND tugged on Superman's cape. Oh no he didn't. Oh yes he did.

Until Doomsday and Satan got unleashed, and they started a three-piece punk garage band called Satan and the Lugies, and history was made. Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame entry, 2040.

HitchHiker's Guild to the Universe, eh? Bet the answer to that is 24!

*crickets*

Moving right along... Maybe the next one will be good. Funny, religion, who knows?

Wait, you want to review a movie before you've seen it, after you've seen it? You're asking a question about posting your review as you post a fake review? I'm not a robot and my head will not explode, so cut it out!!!

Zing!

Watch out with that long trail of broken hearts, Clooney. They're taking to to Netflix, and I see pain in your future.

"'The Peacemaker'? More like 'The Pacemaker'!" "'From Dusk Til' Dawn'? Oh, that's what he'll PROMISE...." "You'd be lucky if it was goats, it was more like MEN WHO STARE AT OTHER WOMENS ASSES ON OUR DATE!'" "Up in the Air? That's where he left all our plans, honey!" "I was expecting a proposal, all I got was 'Good Night, and Good Luck!" "'Three Kings'? Uh huh, it was a 'Three Inch THING!'" "Turns out it ain't a made up movie country, 'Syriana' was this stripper he was seeing...."

Psh. Women.

I had no idea the Alien vs. Predator movies went to the beach! Watch your back, Leprechaun, Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon... the NEW heartthrobs are in town!

(Thank you so much to Insomniac Zac for this awesome photoshop!!! Not to mention supporting my blog, you are awesome, buddy. :) )

Super Sunday SUPER ENTRY!

2010-02-07T12:57:00.001-08:00

Because I am too geeky to be into football, here is an extra long entry (that'swhatshesaid) and you also get a bonus one right below!

Hey Mikey! He... don't like it, so much. :(
Yeah it's in my queue! I need to know, know, know.

This review made me feel so deeply, I wrote a truly terrible poem about it.

My love for Shakespere is so great,

My heart melts when a 1 star at Netflix he doth rates.

The night cries when conformity is the demand,

Why not instead just rent "Juwanna Mann".

Too bad she lost those five long years. That whole time she could have been putting on a red clown nose and been aggressively forcing people to laugh at terrible jokes just to get her out of the room. If that was an improvement, I can only imagine her schtick pre-Patch was punching out babies and calling them an asshole for asking reasonable questions.
They ARE all "wronge" because everyone knows that Nic Cage in the movie= instant quality. Please, um, don't follow up on that statement with any research.

5 out of 5, for getting the plot completely wrong and giving Saint Nicolas your full faith, love and support so he can continue making movies such as "Knowing", "Next", the "Wicker Man" might end up being better than "Season of the Witch" in which case I will rip my "Face/Off".

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Plenty of Shame For Both Genders

2010-02-07T12:56:00.001-08:00

I personally think Freddie Prinze, Jr. is a little hotter as a blonde as Fred in the Scooby-Doo movies, but I can't fault a guy that takes the time to type out the actual noises he makes as he imagines Prinze acting woodenly in a way only Sarah Michelle Gellar could truly know.

Don't hate on her, PETA! The media has showed us that pre-menopausal women are crazed sex-seeking cougars, the girl can't help it. Also- it's Eddie Murphy. He made Meet Dave. Meet Dave.

Doctors can afford REAL rocks, ifyouknowhatImeanandIthinkyoudo. I would assume he meant "oscillations" but I'm just going to assume he's insane, instead.

Several short cummings? I can only assume he means there's a musical interlude where little people Alan Cumming lookalikes jump on the trampolines for a bit. I think I would enjoy watching that.

A half rack is good for BBQ ribs. A half rack in this particular instance just sounds terrifying.

1. People that call their spouse "hubby" or "wifey" are terrible people, it's just a fact.

2. In case you're not in the know, this is what Nickelback looks like:

"At least my porn don't attempt to sing at me, wifey."

Well, you can't fault it for false advertising.

I personally think Shaka Zulu is his best, but to each their own.

Hottest in the woooooorld.

I'm just kidding, he so is. Lookit that brow!!

A Homophobe Parade Has No Pride :(

2010-02-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

Tow trucks don't seem so innocent anymore, now do they?

These cars want you inside of them.

Seriously, "Wild Hogs" was a modern day "Treasure of the Sierra Madre", until that fairy came sashaying about...

Also, "shoving gays down your throat"? Stop making this too easy!!

4 stars, and it WOULD have gotten a perfect score if there was no tranny. Geez, deconstruction is so simple, film school people just overthink it...

Conclusion: Not my kind of genitals= skip this movie.

Brideshead Revisited: Evelyn Waugh, brilliant actors, flawlessly directed... but you know, gays. In old-timey clothing.

I bet the makers of "American Daze" are kicking themselves right now.

"The Oscar could have been ours!! WHY did we have to put your gay cousin in that waiter role?!? Oh, yeah. He provided discount catering. He sent me a lovely thank you card for those "thanks for helping out" flowers I sent him, by the way..."

Praise God! Down with asses! We had our fill of gay CGI characters with "Cars", thankyouverymuch. Homosexuality has no place in nature, and never ever occurs in animals. Ever. Unlike cars.

Finally have a positive homosexual relationship comment! Just... ignore how completely inane this entire review is. Yes, this movie sucks, but basing it solely on how attractive you don't find Jack Black in the trailers is just... this blog is starting to give me a perma-headache.

Friday MOVIE NIGHT!!

2010-02-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

Guess the shark movie! Or, alien movie? Alien shark movie, that oughta narrow it down. Also, if you can figure out whether it's a B or F movie, do that too.

OK! Good, but not GREAT but SWORDS!

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Netflix reviewers.

Reading this review might cause side effects such as: headaches confusion nausea tummy aches itchy toes speaking to a fake audience gynecologist tattoos? Installation of insanity remembering that commercial where Sinbad was a talking condom.

No kidding!

This is just a salad of brains exploding. Supper's on!

2010-02-04T21:57:00.000-08:00

BLACK and WHITE? But STILL GOOD? I simply can't fathom that, madame! *retires to the fainting couch*

Unstand it? Oh, UNDERSTAND it. Most of it? Well, since you did watch the whole thing... ok, you can go watch monster trucks, now.

Hey! Missy- we are going to need to discuss your spelling later on, alright? Now get out of here, you nut!
Hightly Reccman is a legendary underground movie/DVD reviewer. Here we see some of what made him so famous- his macabre yet enticing imagery of the guts of Don Knotts and a clone army of Eroy Jetsons (who Eroy is, we may never truly know.) Clearly one of our most layered men of letters, and one with a clear appreciation of derriere humour.

Here, we see Hightly's distress with children. Not for kids, but you like seeing babies cry? Not to mention, school girls getting done in (wickedly, even!)? I guess it's not for kids because they'll be far more disturbed by this guy cheering at innocent youth getting slaughtered than they would by the actual movie...

Good or sad? WHICH?? When while we know the times it's sad? And then good?? THE SHIP SINKS?!? *Before* the end of the movie? James Cameron... will your bending of our minds never cease???

Guh?

Hightly Reccomen (formerly Reccmen), you went straight over my head yet again, you rascal!! :D

Taste Example #001: Not every person turns into a film snob post-college.

SUP DOG, WE HEARD YOU LIKE HUNTING...

2010-02-04T18:14:00.001-08:00

Damn. Wait, she went to a HOOKER SHOP for her wedding shoes, and he didn't even appreciate that classiness? Damn, Dog. Damn. Get some cooch! I mean, "cooth."

From "DtBH: The Best of Season 2." Sometimes things get real in the Netflix neighborhood.

Also- make bleach your friend, when it comes to leather "If it ain't tight, it ain't right" and finally: "Children will come to [the burial ground] saying, 'Why is Dog buried there? Why is that white man laid there?' And [they're parents will] be able to say, 'Because that white man made a terrible mistake and he requested that.'"

Snitches Get Stitches- Unless It's Dog. Why? 'Cuz He's Cool With God, So Cool That The Big Man Himself Bestowed The Largest Honor A Mortal Can Receive: The Golden Mullet Perm. And God Saw That It Was Good.

What do you meen, no one would expect that dog to save countless lives? His MULLET has saved countless lives by existing. Cripes, watch some A&E already...

Dane Cook Out

2010-02-03T22:56:00.000-08:00

Truth is funny. Using your imagination to create stories? That's for babies, baby. Stand-up that doesn't make your internal organs explode? Go cry home to mommy!

Dane Cook: comedy for those who find no humor in comedy.

It's true- did you get the memo Corporate sent out?

That's pretty darn hot. Now I'm hot for pancakes though, I have no interest in renting this. FAIL, reviewer.

Ah, from the "you have nothing left to watch, why not this? At least it's not old and black & white or has subtitles!" school of film reviewing.

Cool + very cute= comedy! Sorry, Patton Oswalt.

It really does. So, if you're a neurosurgeon and happy in that field... maybe skip this one. Good luck, Chuck!

I like the cut of this fellows jib

2010-02-03T22:13:00.001-08:00

It's a hamster, but this is so money I'm gonna let it slide. Like that hamster. Hey-o!

Sparkly Vampires vs. La Nouvelle Vague

2010-02-02T10:14:00.001-08:00

This *dude* finds Twilight a more satisfying cinematic experience than Francois Truffaut's Les quatre cents coups... he loses his movie lover AND dude card.

Why else would the white men so ruthlessly take their land? Only tits can inspire that kind of savagery...

Something about this bugs me... *rimshot* *ducks*

What's not to like, bikini girl? What's not to like- bikini girl! Either way, good storyline.

Of course it's not going to work, you're using a 7 speaker system. If only she could have seen the whole movie...

Larry the Cable Guy: Special Edition

2010-02-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

Who cares, indeed. Grrrrrowl!

1. That's not a joke, that's a question. A question of the likes I would never even think of asking anyone- thus I have no movie. Who's the fool now, me? 2. "great as a comedy". It must be AWESOME as a baby-sitter but unsettling as a drama about race relations. 3. Yes, Lary, make more movies. Larry? Sit the fuck down.

Sorry to hear about the break-up, glad horrible and lazy "comedy"

was able to heal that wound for you, though. I like how this guy just knows how Larry will answer these situations (assuming he'd get Razzie Awards- good call). If he ever needs a new PR spokesperson, I don't think he could do much better then this fella.

We all know "the Charmin guy" handles all our feces and gas! I'm not going to argue with this person, however, they clearly take things scatological extremely seriously.

Wait... bathroom humour, but clean? Clean & healthy food? Is Larry some kind of a chef/OCD/health inspector in this film? Fascinating...

Maiden Voyage

2010-02-01T21:10:00.000-08:00

From "Jerry Springer: Undressed, Unleashed, Uncensored!: Vol. 3" She also loves Twilight!

Wow- Rambo angels! I can only imagine the accents. I wonder if Legion is making them happy, now?

A review most definitely not from a studio shill. Definitely.

TL;DR? I'll sum up this Jeff Dunham review for you: "I am the devil, and this is what awaits you in hell."

This really speaks for itself, except... what do you have to do, in todays' pagan world, to get 5 stars out of this person?